Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
