This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
