I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
