Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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