eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
