Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
