to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
