i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
