i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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