the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize