Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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