Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
