I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
