She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
