Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
