Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
