My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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