I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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