i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
