I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
