There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
