I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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