I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
