She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my being single is dangerous.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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