All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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