After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
