I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The best revenge is premature balding
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!