Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
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New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday