Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he quoted the bible to break up with me
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
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It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.