Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.