best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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