Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
