I threw up into my coffee this morning.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
