forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
