All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
