My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
