sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
