I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
