His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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