omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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