a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
