If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
