All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
