Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
