a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
