And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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