My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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