Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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