Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
