i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
