what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
