theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
