Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A+ Viking dick
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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