I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
