I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
