never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
