I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
