Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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