A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
