So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
