Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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