I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
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